Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Seeking A New Purpose

You know the saying is that as you approach senior year, you catch a case of senioritis. A contagious disease that airs common sense and good judgement out of your brain. And while my finest moment of my life approaches, senioritis is not the disease I'm suffering from. It's not laziness, it's not boredom, it's not even discomfort. It's simply a declining recession in purpose, or my motivation. As each day goes on and on, I think to myself and look back at what I dream of doing and want to do but neither of which I have begun to accomplish. I feel like I'm stagnating. Like the whole world is a highway and everyone's driving and I'm stuck on the side of the road with a blown engine. Waiting for the tow truck to come and get me going again. I feel like I have no purpose, no drive anymore. And while I know this rant sounds like someone just standing on the sidelines and not even trying to do what he wants, looking without trying, it's not as simple. I'm in school learning to get a BA in Computer Science but what I really want to do is go into Game Programming. Ever since I was a kid, and realized that with hard work and dedication, I could be anything I wanted, I dreamed of making videogames and being able to have my name on it. Produced by me, or Written by me, or Edited by me, or chief designer by me. Since I've gotten to college I've planned and worked to learn and truely master my talents to not just be a programmer but to cover so many areas of making a game, that I would be able to bring more than 2 or 3 talents to the table. I'm not saying what they are in case someone trying to take my ideas but, just know that, I am not stupid. In this day and age where the job market is somewhere between Impossible and Jesus, you have to be able to bring something to table and not just be dependant on one skill in that field of choice you go into. But getting back to the point of all of this, while I know it seems like I'm just ranting on things I haven't tried, that isn't the total issue. While I sit here in school developing skills I need for my goals and dreams, I feel like the things I'm learning here are things I don't really need. I mean all I'm learning is the general background of my craft, I'm not learning the actual craft I wish to create. Kind of like learning about fighting, like how to punch, kick, block and dodge but not learning any specific martial art. And as more and more time passes by, I get more anxious by the minute. I'm ready to do things, I'm ready to go places I've never been before, I'm ready to work on games and say, I helped make that. Or that game was my idea! I'm ready to live. I'm ready to live the life, I dream day in and day out. I'm ready to step into my world, the vision of my future. I'm ready for so much and yet, I have to keep waiting and waiting to get out of this school, to get out of this state and to get a job offer. I have so much to wait for and yet, I've been waiting already for so long. When I was in high school, I didn't have any purpose, any good reason to be in school. I've never liked school one bit. But after talking to my parents, you know they began to see that I really didn't like school and had no reason, or drive. And after telling my dad and mom that you know, the slaves sacrifices, the things our ancestors went through, the whole racism, and hatred, everything about black history in this country all together wasn't enough of a reason to me because I had never known them. It wasn't like I was around to see it. I mean, it's depicted but that's all it is. It's never really shown what really happend this day and that month, at this time, because no one was around during that time. All we can get is a picture of that time period and a depiction through movies, music, stories, etc. But I never knew them. And to me it was a reason but I didn't get enough out of it to push me. And it wasn't until my father threatened me to go to the Community College if I didn't get into any schools that woke me up. And now that I got into college, it's hard finding reason to finish. I mean, of course my future is at stake and all that I've worked hard for, but it's just this whole environment is suffocating. It's truely suffocating. It feels like I'm drowning in a sea of old stale air and a place that never flows or move. I look around and so many of my friends are graduating, gettting married (or shacking up), or having children. I mean it's like I'm slowly becomming jealous of them and I don't want that. And it's not really that I'm jealous perse' just that I want to live my life that I know it's coming for me. But I guess all I can do is keep waiting and waiting, and praying that Jesus stays with me and keeps me close to Him.

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